Good Evening y'all!
Deviating from the polish for a post. I need to vent and get some stuff out there. I hope this doesn't seem like a sob story. This genre of post seems to be common in the polish world.
I don't know if anyone has noticed that the url of my blog is 'neurogalaxy', which has nothing to do at all with polish. That's because this blog was originally for my personal use, and it was called 'A Neurotic's Guide to the Galaxy'.
I've spent my entire life being reclusive, introverted, and generally speaking a pariah. Ever since I was a small child I was a square peg in a round hole of 'normal' children. I always knew internally that something was wrong with just my attitude. I refused to speak, in fear I would be saying the wrong thing, insulting people accidentally, or making myself look like a fool. My parents would tell me by not speaking it made me look 'snotty', and that I was being plain rude. No amount of my protests would change this. I kept very few friends, and kept people at a distance. I never felt worthy, or valued.
When I was in university and had more control of my life, I sought help for my anxiety (as I now know that's what it was). I was put on medication, and it's marginally helped. Then the roller coaster of depression started.
When I started university, I found friends that seemed to get me - that quickly changed. Looking back, I chose to keep friends that weren't in my best interest because they added fun to my life. They weren't the people that would be there through thick and thin. In my last year at school I completely shut myself out of everyone's life. I never left my room except to eat. For some reason no one I was living with noticed this, and I spiraled out of control. At the end of the semester I finally reached out to my mom in a letter, and they got me out of there ASAP. I can't thank her enough for saving my life.
After this happened, I took a year off. I worked and lived at home. I had no one but my parents. It was almost worse than the scenario before. I slept a lot. A LOT.
When I was still at home, in April 2011, I discovered polish. It was something that made me happy again. It started as a crutch, to convince me to go to work. Knowing I would get a package convinced me internally that the work day was worth it. That getting up out of bed was worth it. It caused my parents lots of ire, because it was a lot of money spent - but I think it was well spent. I mean, I don't buy as much as I used to, but I still imbibe now and then.
The polish community has been a very accepting and safe place for me. I mean, by nature I am not a group joiner or an active participant. However it has gotten me out of my shell and I am very thankful for that! I even got the nerve to join a Secret Santa group - naturally I think I didn't give enough. I swap with wonderful people. I meet creative people who inspire me and give me ideas. I like being unique in my classes and having something that makes me stand out. I like reading blogs and knowing there are people out there just like me.
Thank you polish, for saving my life.